Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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