so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
