you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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