Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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