Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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