So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
The power of my boobs compel you
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
