well I can't set my house on fire every night
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
