I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
