We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
