I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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