he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize