If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
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I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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