I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
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