Don't you send me to vm
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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