When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
