Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
