I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Randomize
