I accidentally had phone sex last night
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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