Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
