About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
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Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
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We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."