is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.