woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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