Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
