i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
