Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
