I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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