Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
