i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
