Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
