While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
