You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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