did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
If that was your dad, he is hot
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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