I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
