The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
You are a genius and a whore.