I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Every concussion has its silver lining
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
You are the jesus of drinking
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life