i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
