never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
