If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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