Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
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