I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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