Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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