My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
