I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Randomize
