I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
