there's paper in my vomit.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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