i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
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