Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
