the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
