i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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