how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
