How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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