Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
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