Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
They have beer where we have blood.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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