Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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