I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
