hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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