yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
